Pot op (2) day 12, or 13,764

I wish recovery was a straight line. 

I used to love the ups and downs, twists and turns of roller coasters. 

I wish I didn't feel blue... again.

When people are around I am able to be optimistic and 'happy'.

The second I'm alone, I fall to pieces.

I can't even explain it to Jason. He probably thinks I'm nutty for crying a lot lately.  He assures me that his oath was NOT "Just in the easy, good times" which makes me feel better. 

 

 

I always thought I was a fighter... Superwoman would never give up.

I almost am at my breaking point.

Life is not bad enough (right now) to wish for death, but it's not good either.

The kids wear me out, even though they are on their best behavior.

I'm lonely, even though Jason is on the computer in the same room as me.

The involved-mom has faded away. I'm lucky if I make it to a sporting event each week.

My only chore around the house is to sit and fold the laundry.

I spend most of my day exhausted in bed.

What I'm struggling with is this:

Am I depressed and pitying myself OR

Am I totally worn out from recovery.

I wish I literally knew someone going through this.

I met a 19 year old at the surgeons Fri who just found out she needs a similar surgery. I WISH I had given her my contact information. I'll try to get it to her through the Drs office on Tuesday.

I was at the Dr unscheduled bc my drain started filling with pale yellow frothy stuff instead of old clear brown blood. I was afraid of infection. Then I remembered I'm missing part of my skull and got really scared. I had Jen Simmons come look at it, then Mandy left work early to look at it. By then, my parents were on their way to drive me to Philly. I'm loved by so many people, yet I feel alone. Weird, huh??

 

In hospital

 

Day 10

 

*i had the grenade with 2 feet of tubing and the white thicker type drain

As my life tends to go, the Dr pulled out my drain 5 days early and put in  a stitch to close the hole. The drain was huge!  I though 3-4 inches long, Google says 7.5 inches long!!  Well, today the stitch popped open. What do you do on a Sunday?!?  I bandaided it and am praying it does not get infected. Why am I always doubting myself and worried Drs will think I'm over reacting?!?  Why do I do that to myself? 90% of the time, my hunch is correct. Why?!?

My newest wound feels like it's ripping... 

 

And this hair... still just baby shampoo which leaves my scalp grosse. No hair cuts or hair dyes for 10 more weeks. I'm seriously considering Jason just buzzing it all off for me. 

Maybe I need sleep, and some Tylenol...

Another day I'll blog about the 2 inch diameter hole in my  rain that still needs fixed, questions about how I'm ever going to return to work in 4 weeks, how I'll drive without a slowed reaction time, etc...