17 day blues

i hit a plateau at 2 weeks post op, where I felt a little better everyday. The past few days have been rough.  I'm very sleepy.  VERY SLEEPY.  My head... skull.... has been hurting a little the past few days too.  It's weird, I know. It all started with my scalp feeling like it's stretching and pulling, then was more of a painful neck/skull.  Today I began with an actual headache too... maybe a sinus headache? I think it's just the way healing is going to go.  Jennifer suggested I blog it down so I can keep things straight.  Today my legs were very achey, with my history of PEs, I kept ambulatory but I'm so dizzy/disequilibrium. I've refluxedva lot today and felt achey. I hope I'm not getting sick. I let the pain pill completely out of my system and I feel still bad, so it's not that I'm overdoing it (1pill every 6 hours).

I'm double guessing everything that I do, though honestly, I feel this is what recovery is going to look like. I'm going to try 2 pain pills and see if it kicks the headache and I get some sleep.

I was able to read a book and write some thank you letters. My handwriting did good for 10 of them, then I had to quit.  My vision hasn't been an issue anymore but today it is blurry and the screen bothers me a little.

I'm a little nauseated too.

See you on the other side.

2 weeks down!!

The hardest part of recovery now is to sit around and recover!!!

Ugh.

I don't think Superwoman ever sat!!!

Mandy was cleaning the kitchen after she brought me pizza for lunch.  "This is everyone's dream!" She said.

NOT MINE.  Nightmare 101.

I'm getting bored too. I read a little yesterday, which is exhausting!  Today I'll try some thank you notes.  Tomorrow I may venture to watch everyone bowl!!!  We'll see.

Each day I've felt better until today... my scalp and neck feel so tight, I think my sensation is coming back. It's given me a bad headache. I don't feel "dizzy" today, just like I'm on a boat rocking. So, nausea has been an issue again today.  This is very frustrating to me... I just want to keep taking steps forwards!!

All in all, the surgery/recovery has been better than I ever expected.  From other brain tumor survivors, my story is the goal, everyone else has so many complications!!!  So I will not let a day of headaches ruin it!!!  1 more day of steroids- that will help s lot too!!  My appetite is coming back in full force- strawberry shortcake is on the top of my list, but you can't find it anywhere in January:(

11 day post op appt

no news has been good news!  I feel like I'm improving by leaps and bounds. Which, makes me nervous because I'm afaraid I'll start pushing myself. I'm still on full restrictions for another month!!

My post op appt with the CRNP went great.  She pulled out my stitches and told me that the MRI shows that they DID get it all!!!

Wooooooohooooooo!!!

The biopsy was an epidermoid, like they suspected.

My dizziness gets better each day and my pain is almost non-existent.

The biggest prayer I need now... and I do... is to keep me following their orders!!!!!!!!!!!
It's my personal hell, to have to ask for help and be stuck at home.

Sober post-op post

sounds almost boring!!!

All in all, surgery was a success!  It's  amazing how quiet it is at night... I never realized the ringing and swooshing before Surgery!!  Recovering was tough. I went straight to the ICU where I do wish I had a more experienced RN. She tried her best though!  All of  the nurses I met at PA Hospital were sweet!!

I arrived at 5:15, sat in the waiting room till 6:15 then headed up to pre-op. They made my parents leave and my Dad looked terrified. It made me a little nervous.  All in all, I  think I did pretty great!!  People were definitely praying for my nerves!!  I felt calm!!! Anesthesia started my 1V  Neuro--phycisists introduced themselves and then I was wheeled away.   Thank goodness RNs check your ID because no Drs/anesthesiologist did.

I remember the OR was intimidating-and old looking- but it did what it needed to!  Anesthesia put me to sleep around 8:30 and I woke up in the ICU at 3.  Honestly, I have no idea why it took so long. It was supposed to be 4 hours max!! They told Jason that they were having a hard time getting the last little bit because it was so deep and stuck to my nerves. They think they got about 99% of the tumor. Ill have to ask.

I woke up more sick and dizzy then ever in pain!! I only threw up nonce though:)  my right face was paralyzed at first but it went away rather quickly.  I was d/c'd six days ago and they're still trying to find me home PT and nursing.  Haha. At times my right eye is fine, other times I have to force it open.  My writing goes down to the right too. All things I hope will get better with time!!  My typing has definitely improved!!

Saturday all the kids stopped by on their way to the Franklin  Institute. It was good for jack to see me a live, since he insisted I was going to die!!  Unfortunately I was down at my MRI when they got there so I was in antivan land when they brought me back and didn't make too much sense!!

Revovery has already been longer than I expected.  I have good times  and bad ones. People have been so great with flower/fruit baskets, meals and treats. It really makes it easier on Jennifer and Mark!!!!  They've been a blessing!!

My mom came up today to bathe me, since I  passed out on the girls the other day. They handled it like champs!!

I've pretty much slept the week away! I'm ok with that.  So tired!!

Bath time

 What 11 and 14-year-old girl does not want to be bathing her mom? Jaylee and Jennibelle handled it like pros.  I remember feeling like I had to blow my nose and then not hearing on the right side.  They helped me sit down and then  they called Jason at the Warwick wrestling practice as soon as they say I passed out. They are so helpful. I'm busting at the seams to tell Meg's secret. But I won't. Just gonna watch a movie now. At least listen to one. .

3 days post

 Can you believe it? I'm 30 days postop and already blogging. Thank goodness for text to talk. I may read this tomorrow and have no say or maybe able to figure it out, my right eye still pretty buried but overall that is my only complaint. If they show up relish the thought of you hours and I don't think of me or perfected that you get sick if I'm going around too much but not to the point that I've thrown up like right after surgery. All in all I've been pretty blessed.

 I can fit the surgery I want know what ever expected. There's an incision but it's not near as bad as I expected. I'll take it. I'm here around the clock with my parents during surgery next seven hours not sure why.   It's been a lot of time trying to get the last one percent of the tumor said there would be no regrowth. However at the MRI the next day she had scar tissue and the head as I believe it is always hard. It's right. I will see my surgeon again tomorrow before discharge

 I spent tonight to the ICU which was nice because it was a private room at lots of attention. But I guess it's par for the course. Once I figured out that give me IV morphine as well as the pain pills same time and at the same time work, it was good as gold. Funny how my biggest fight for my left hip and hours my neck was.

  The kids can do visit me Saturday morning because Jack was nervous because I was done having my MRI. I think it's good that they sell meet up and awake and doing OK. Too bad I had an Ativan up for the MRI having a hard time saying awake. They want to spend the day at the Franklin Institute. At my mother-in-law's feeling better. I go.

•   I think that's it for now. They pulled up my airline my catheter and I was able to panda first try. Mrs.layton really work. The bus at discontinued but my other IPAs have blocked in. You're testing my sugars every couple hours I am an IV steroids. Not in a lot of pain. Just nauseous when I move around a lot but I have gotten around the apartment for times when I get upstairs quietly. Find it in my eyes close. I think that'll take a little adjusting to. Hopefully I'll get some sleep tonight as I haven't yet. He moved us up to regular room which gives just before bed also. Like at times. I guess that's everything for now. I'll be in touch. God bless.

After some sleep

I am not a believer in erasing things... my blog post yesterday was actually how I felt yesterday, even though today it seems ridiculous when I read over it.  

I got 8 hours of sleep and feel like a different person.  I also had a few of the Elders from our church pray over me last night, specifically over my nerves, so I'm sure that has made a difference too!

I'm going for a massage today and then having a quiet afternoon home alone, before a big shindig/photo session at meg's tonight!!

Bring it on...

What exactly am I scared of?

THIS is the question of the day... of the past 2 days. 

I'm circling the drain emotionally.

around and around I go.

Up one minute and bawling the next.

Teeter Totter express.

But, why?

Why can I feel so at peace one minute and crumple the next?

So, I thought sitting and typing my fears out might make me feel a little better.  Here goes...

Death, duh.

Or worse... major complication leading me to be disabled.  Yes, the rates of this are minuscule today.  But, it happens.  What if I walk in to the hospital having no major complaints and leave handicap? And if so, will Jason stay?  Will he pick a good Mama for the kids?  Will she be a better Mama then me?  

I know!!!  Irrational.  But that is where I'm at right at this moment.  

I've been warned about the high risk of hearing loss on the right side.  Will I never hear Jaylee hiding in her bedroom singing?  Will I only hear half of Jennibelle's stories?  Will the boys laughter downstairs escape me?  Will I miss Jason whispering "I love you" in my ear?  Will "Aunt Jenn" fly right by me? Will the sappy country lyrics stop striking a chord on my heart?  Please Lord, no!

What if the face paralysis issues lasts longer - or forever?  I already have self confidence issues... can you imagine?!?  Ugh.  

I think it's ironic that I open up to this glowing screen, but I'm to timid to talk about my feelings face to face with a person.  (Even knowing complete strangers may stumble upon this one day.)  It's good therapy though!  I'm a very private person and get extremely embarrassed when Jason is around.  I know... he's the ONE person I should be totally free with, but he's the one person I try to constantly impress.  I don't want him to help me to the bathroom, or have to discuss those things with him.  I'm already having anxiety just about that!

If something, anything,  happens, will they truly know how much I love them?  Will they forget me?  Will someone take my place?  Will I be left to slowly rot away?  Will they waste their life taking care of me?  

Let's take a left onto Rational Street... The pain!  I was never petrified of my c-sections (in retrospect, I probably should have been).  I was so excited to give birth and the pain was so worth it.  But this... is it worth it? I've linked up with other people that have had this surgery.  What I've been told in a nutshell, is that I'll be in pain and useless for the first 4-6 weeks, moving around by 12, but not back to myself until 12 months.  That will be ok, I suppose, as long as I DO get back to myself.  

And, bing, bing, bing... good news!  Many people I hooked up with have said that they too, had short term memory issues as well as trouble finding the right words.  For some, the surgery helped.  

And, the big guy upstairs is listening... this weekend I was contemplating cancelling the surgery until the symptoms were life-altering.  So, he gave me multiple episodes of ringing in the ears, just to show me the right answer.  Now, maybe, just maybe, it was the cold I was fighting, but I think it was him giving me some peace - kind of funny, huh?

See... just typing for 7 minutes and I'm feeling better already.