What exactly am I scared of?

THIS is the question of the day... of the past 2 days. 

I'm circling the drain emotionally.

around and around I go.

Up one minute and bawling the next.

Teeter Totter express.

But, why?

Why can I feel so at peace one minute and crumple the next?

So, I thought sitting and typing my fears out might make me feel a little better.  Here goes...

Death, duh.

Or worse... major complication leading me to be disabled.  Yes, the rates of this are minuscule today.  But, it happens.  What if I walk in to the hospital having no major complaints and leave handicap? And if so, will Jason stay?  Will he pick a good Mama for the kids?  Will she be a better Mama then me?  

I know!!!  Irrational.  But that is where I'm at right at this moment.  

I've been warned about the high risk of hearing loss on the right side.  Will I never hear Jaylee hiding in her bedroom singing?  Will I only hear half of Jennibelle's stories?  Will the boys laughter downstairs escape me?  Will I miss Jason whispering "I love you" in my ear?  Will "Aunt Jenn" fly right by me? Will the sappy country lyrics stop striking a chord on my heart?  Please Lord, no!

What if the face paralysis issues lasts longer - or forever?  I already have self confidence issues... can you imagine?!?  Ugh.  

I think it's ironic that I open up to this glowing screen, but I'm to timid to talk about my feelings face to face with a person.  (Even knowing complete strangers may stumble upon this one day.)  It's good therapy though!  I'm a very private person and get extremely embarrassed when Jason is around.  I know... he's the ONE person I should be totally free with, but he's the one person I try to constantly impress.  I don't want him to help me to the bathroom, or have to discuss those things with him.  I'm already having anxiety just about that!

If something, anything,  happens, will they truly know how much I love them?  Will they forget me?  Will someone take my place?  Will I be left to slowly rot away?  Will they waste their life taking care of me?  

Let's take a left onto Rational Street... The pain!  I was never petrified of my c-sections (in retrospect, I probably should have been).  I was so excited to give birth and the pain was so worth it.  But this... is it worth it? I've linked up with other people that have had this surgery.  What I've been told in a nutshell, is that I'll be in pain and useless for the first 4-6 weeks, moving around by 12, but not back to myself until 12 months.  That will be ok, I suppose, as long as I DO get back to myself.  

And, bing, bing, bing... good news!  Many people I hooked up with have said that they too, had short term memory issues as well as trouble finding the right words.  For some, the surgery helped.  

And, the big guy upstairs is listening... this weekend I was contemplating cancelling the surgery until the symptoms were life-altering.  So, he gave me multiple episodes of ringing in the ears, just to show me the right answer.  Now, maybe, just maybe, it was the cold I was fighting, but I think it was him giving me some peace - kind of funny, huh?

See... just typing for 7 minutes and I'm feeling better already.