The life of a Wife and Mother of Four definitely has it''s ups and downs and then it has it's DOWNS. That's where I'm at right now. I find myself more irritated, annoyed, and grumpy than anything positive. I've been on anti-anxiety meds for the past few weeks to help me sleep, rather than tossing all night worrying about Jack. Unfortunately it was not the magic pill I was hoping for. It's hard to write my true feelings on here, for fear that someone may come across them, since I don't know how to keep this section of the Journal-of-our-lives private.
And let the bitching commence...
(And I do this not only to bitch, but to be able to come back to this and figure out remedies to these issues)
There's the house... the house that NEVER stays clean no matter how badly and I want it to, I try to keep it, and I expect it to be. N.E.V.E.R. But boy do I feel much better when it is... it's like stress magically floats away for that instant. Anyone having four children should just expect to do 4 loads of laundry a day... no joke. And the dishes, oh the dishes. I even buy paper products now and the dishes are always rotting in our sink. I have become, married, and raised slobs. It's quite frustrating and I do honestly understand that a large part of the blame is mine. When it comes to cleanliness, however, I am fighting for it solo.
Then there is the pre-pubescent/pubescent stranger living in Jaylee's room. O.M.G... if there is ever anyone who can make you feel like a piece of rotting garbage, it is an 11 year old girl. In her mind, she has taken over the "motherly" role, dishing out orders and punishments as she wishes. I have many times tried to talk to her about this. She follows every rule (which is great)... but looks down on me when I do not. ("Sorry that it took me 2 blocks down the road before I got my seat belt on but scolding me like I am an ignorant child is NOT acceptable!") She says she's not, but she acts like she is better than the rest of the family, and totally embarrassed by us all (Except for Jason... of course). I've tried to play it off as "hormones and figuring things out" but I am SO SICK OF IT! She talks to Jennibelle like she is a complete idiot... and feels that she is justified to do so.
Then there's Jennibelle... my 9 year old who is so self-consumed that she can not even think outside of her "Jennibelle box". She is completely oblivious to what is going on around her, what is important, and what needs done. She seems to have good ideas with very poor, rushed executions that many times end up in disaster... to which she is clueless. We've begun having her repeat back to me the instructions I give her b/c her ADD/lack-of-caring has gotten so frustrating.
Jackson is about the cutest 3 year old you've ever seen, but man is he B.A.D. He's mischievous, awnry, whiny, and down-right straight-in-your-face defiantly bad. How do you even punish someone like him? I'll let you know when I find out! But then he'll snuggle right up to me and manipulate me into not being angry anymore. He makes leaving the house very difficult, though I refuse to stay home all day. So I am often making excuses for his behavior to people. Now don't get me wrong... the other 60% of the time he is the greatest kid in the world!
Oh Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. I will admit something... I had a hard time bonding with Jimmy. I was life-threateningly ill after he was born and was completely physically worn out for the first few months of his life and all he did was cry... I did not bond with him like a mother should. I wish I had, but I can't change that. So, let's move on. Still though, he whines and cries at all times... when he doesn't get his way, when he's tired, when I walk out of the room, when Jason doesn't hold him... always! He is also mischievous... must be a boy thing. He loves to stare me in the face and do things that he is not allowed... like put his hands on teh outlets. He will call my name, put his hand on it, stare in my eyes and give me an evil grin. I will scold him, then spank his hand and he will cry and then do it again. Aaarggg. He is a little monkey that tries to climb everything. Maybe if he was an only child it would be cute and fun but... he's not.
I've had to pick up more shifts b/c no matter how much money we have, it is just never enough. SO, I'm more physically tired on top of things, And even with these overwhelming feelings of unappreciation, unacceptance, and sadness, I do NOT want the summer to end...
Shall I end with butterflies and unicorns??
