So, forget everything that I wrote this morning!!

Maybe I'm Bipolar?!?

Or... maybe I'm a Mom ready to give birth to a really sick kid?

Or "C"... both?!?

Technology is great, but sometimes I wish that I hadn't read up on Pseudo-Prune Belly Syndrome online.

And sometimes I wish that I hadn't looked it up again, and again, and again, and again...

Let's call it PPBS, because it sounds a lot less scary!!

I KNOW that things have looked better and better with Jackson on the ultrasounds.

But when I think and dwell and dwell and think and think some more and then dwell al ittle more...

on everything that COULD go wrong, I drive myself insane!!

*There's the huge risk that he will constantly have UTIs and need to be on antibiotics his whole life (with the usual GI side effects).

*There's the obvious need that to have his testicles descended via surgery- which places him at a much higher risk of cancer and infertility!!  And that's not including the operation risks themselves, or the high percentages of tesitlces that then die b/c of lack of blood flow (I'm telling you... too much research!)
*There's the surgery risks with closing his Urachus

*There's the lack of abd muscles and/or abd muscle strength, leading to increased and thickened respiratory secretions that are harder to clear and the increase in respiratory infections. 
*The same lack of muscles can cause problems with bowel movements... constipation and bowel obstructions are quite common!

*Do you know the percentage of these kids that eventually have kidney damage and need dialysis and/or kidney transplantation... EVEN if their kidneys look good on US before birth (something that I just so happened to learn via the internet a few minutes ago!!)  I know that their "studies" are skewed, but the numbers are still terrifying,

Now I'm doubting everything that I've done the past few days...

opening diapers and diaper pails and wipes and buying clothes and setting up bassinets.

Have I set us up for more disappointment and heartbreak?!?

I found a site tonight for families new to PPBS...

why on the very first page do I need to read the words 

"20% of patients are stillborn, 30% die of renal failure or urosepsis within the first two years of life"

Thank you   http://www.prunebelly.org/   for your wonderful optimism!!!

How can my baby be kicking inside of me as we speak, smiling to us on his ultrasound just yesterday and then just... nothing,,, stillbirth...

Excuse me while I go vomit!!!

I found a poem on a women's blog that really spoke to me...

Her son died 3 hours after birth and she knew that he would not survive, so we are NOT in the same boat, but we are both Mom's who are (were) pregnant with babies we love...

I hold the knowing eyes of a mother who chooses to carry to term, a baby with a condition that is now incompatible with life.

  I hold the unknowing eyes of a mother who believes in miracles, but is not sure if she will be granted one.

I hate my eyes.

And I hate working by myself all night long with nothing to do but research more and more.
I don't do it to find more terrible news,
I do it to find more support, more information, better data,
and to be more prepared.

Tonight I found a photographer that volunteers at Geissinger Med Center...
I found her through the site http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/home/
I sent her an email just now and am hoping to hear back from her.
I had wanted to fly Becca here to spend the time with us, but Jason felt that I was being too pessimistic and that flights were way too expensive.  So... I'm hoping this lady will be available... IF needed.

It is now 3:43 am and I can not take anymore...
I will turn off this computer and enjoy the last 2 hours of work alone, in the dark, with quiet...
 and pray for peace!

But only after one very loud cmputer scream:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!
WWWWHHHHYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?