Limbo

I'm in limbo right now.

I'm kinda stuck here, not by choice.

I'm dangling between being healthy and being sick.

 I'm between having energy and laying on the couch all day.

I'm between feeling proud of and double guessing my progress.

I'm here but my mind is there.

Got it?

😜

SIX months.

 Six long, flash-of-an-eye, unremembered, brutal, never ending, successful months. 

160 days.

I could write in circles tonight. I could write for most of my shift here at work. I could write and get nowhere. I could write and conclude with pride... or anger... or desperation.

I could write, but instead I keep typing and then deleting.

I'm really not sure WHAT to say.

How am I?

Great question.

Good place to start.

I don't know the answer.

If you actually ask me this question, I smile and say "Great!" I may even tell you how I'm considering cancelling surgery this summer because I finally feel great again.

I'm not lying.

I'm not telling the truth.

Why do I NOT know how I'm feeling? 

Why do I feel a little numb?

A lot exhausted?

A little disappointed?

A bit confused?

I wish it were over. 

My MRI is on Monday, 

so it really may be close to being over.

I wish it were over and I was recovered and I no longer have a hole in my skull and I had energy and I could get back to a 24 hour work week and I didn't need to head to bed after dinner and I wasn't terrified about the fact that I can't find the right words again and I could start moving on and I could get out of Limbo hell. 

I'm working one night a week. I'm definitely not making enough money to pay any medical bills, but I'm making more than nothing. I'm not making enough to justify how tired I am for 3 days after my shift. But I'm contributing. Life keeps going, whether I get a paycheck or not. And the medical bills certainly keep coming. 2016 is almost paid off which is huge! Mandy's GoFundMe account kept us afloat for months, without my income. I am so grateful!! 

It's hard telling your kids that they can't do their "normal activities" right now because Mama can't work. They're good kids, but they can't hide their devastation. 

I wish we had found a winning Lotto Ticket in Poppop's basement!

And here's another secret...

I'm scared. I'm numb-scared, like in denial. But, scared.

Am I over reacting that I can't carry a conversation because the words escape me? Should random ringing in my right ear stop me in my tracks? Should I be feeling a general disconnectedness? 

At the same time, I SHOULD be so happy. I think I'm the only person on the Epidermoid BrainnTumor Facebook Page that did not have a stroke during surgery and does not have residual issues from the tumor. I feel extremely grateful...

 yet cautious. 

It's like I'm afraid to proclaim "I beat the tumor" because I'll never know that for sure. 

So, as I said, I'm here in Limbo. I don't know exactly WHO I am at the moment, or what I can do, or if I'm reaching everyone's expectations. I'm just here. I think I'm gonna be here for a while. I should try to embrace it, I suppose.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zlrUZJFGNWU

LIMBO!!