Overwhelmed

Isn't it absolutely amazing that a moment can change your life... forever?

I knew my baby is sick. I knew we would be in the NICU. I knew there would be monitors, bells and whistles.   Yet...

When we toured the NICU yesturday, reality crashed on me...

crushed me...

suffocated me...

robbed me of my optimism.

The staff at Geissinger was fantastic... very personable and totally open to our questions.  And, in a weird way, they really made me feel like they already cared about little Jackson.  The air in the room was optimistic and we kept hearing about how we should be excited and celebrating his birth.

We were given information... TONS of information.  Information on things that never crossed my mind - Medical Assistance Insuarnce for him, Social Security Disabilitiy benefits for him, using the Ronald McDonald House, Home Health Nursing. 

YIKES... this is my life!!!

Then we were told the saddest news that I had heard all day... all week... all month!!!

The hosiptal is on RSV lockdown...

NO ONE UNDER THE AGE OF 12 IS ALLOWED ON ANY OF THE FLOORS!!!!

My girls... their brother... my family... we can't be together for weeks!!! 

My heart broke, my eyes swelled, my happiness disappeared.

I know it's for Jackson's good and for the good of all of the patients... but how can they have a brother and not be allowed to meet him?!?

I shared my concerns with Mindy, our social worker who then took our concerns to the head of the NICU:

Nicole lost her baby at birth, and Bella has had such a hard time dealling with the fact that she never got to hold Max, or see him, or feel him.  I did not want this to happen to my children...

if we were in that situation.

"I'm the head of the department and if anyone can break a rules, it's me" was Dr Everett's response. 

This makes me feel better... a little anyway.

So, here I am today, typing my thoughts away.

We have been without tv, internet and phone for 10 days while we did the whole moving thing.

I think that I actually went through technology withdrawel!!

Good thing I worked extra days and can use their TV and internet!!!

BTW... Jackson is twice as big as he's suppose to be at this point...

"In the 99th percentile for weight" is what they told us...

He is bigger than 99% of the other babies his age!!!

Holy big baby!

He should be around 2 lbs, he's 4lbs 2 ozs.

So... weekly Nonstress Tests until 37 weeks and then an amniocentesis to see if we can deliver him that day.

THAT'S ONLY 7 WEEKS AWAY!!!!!!!!

I can't wait to see, meet and hug him.  At the same time I never want to see him, or meet him, or hold him, or fall madly in love with him...

He is so much safer in my belly and I can't bear the thought of all that he's going to go through.

My poor sweet baby boy!!!

My poor girls who are enxioulsy waiting to meet him!

My poor husband who is so stoic and optimistic!

Oh, Poor Me!!!