"Breath of heaven
Do you wonder as you watch my face
If a wiser one one should have had my place
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan
Help me be strong
Help me be
Help me"
Have you ever truly listened to that Christmas song by Amy Grant? (It's Mary singing to God) It's one of my favorites. What faith! I wish I had faith like that. I like to carry myself as having total faith, but if I did, would I feel so lonely and terrified? Would I spend hours worrying about what could go wrong? Or would I be soaking up every moment of this Christmas season?
If I had true, total faith, I wouldn’t feel like there’s something missing in my a relationship with God. It’s totally embarrassing to admit to. I try to have a real relationship with him. I pray, I’ve done Bible studies, I even hosted one at my house this Fall. I go to church and I feel moved by the spirit when I’m there. And then I come home and fall into our daily routine. I want more. Its embarrassing to say, because I sat on the couch with our Women’s Pastor 18 months ago, and said the same exact thing. And 18 months later, here I am, ver batem. Is it something I need to work harder at? Is it something that I just will never have? I don’t believe that.
I want the relationship and the faith of other’s that I’ve seen struggle through periods in their life and they give God all the Glory. Instead of wallowing in self pity and fear, they hand it right over to the big guy and say “your will be done…” I have never in my life, not even for a second, doubted God. I felt closer to him when I was pregnant with Jackson. I guess, I NEEDED him then, I NEEDED him to save my baby, I NEEDED the miracles that he allowed to happen, I just NEEDED him. It's a human trait, I suppose... selfishness.
As the years went by, I drifted a little. No, I’m not a bad person. No, I’m not being sentenced to hell. No, I’m not out being a rebel. I simply don’t have the closeness that I desire. It’s a lot like my weight, I suppose. I can admit it’s there and not be happy with it, now it’s up to me to consciously choose to fix it.
Wasn't this post supposed to be about our Christmas????
I kinda got away from my thoughts there for a minute…
************
We've been very busy this December. Actually, less busy than we usually are, but still busy. It has been nice to be home and commitment-free most evenings. I have to have surgery right after Christmas, so I can't coach B-ball this year. Therefore, Jaylee did not want to play in her last Rec season, without me. Once Jennibelle was cut from the travel team tryouts, she turned her back on basketball... sniff, sniff! I thought I'd miss it more than I do, I truly am enjoying our less-busy life right now.
Jackson started wrestling 2 hours a week. It is FUN. I just love when my kids are trying new activities... LOVE IT. Jason will be helping with practices, as much as he can. I think he really loves seeing his son wrestle! Jack's in kindergarten, and the league is 1st-3rd grade, but he fits right in. All my prayers for his social-awkwardness have been answered.
Black Friday, I went shopping all night with Mandy and Meg. We were all successful. Around 4 am I picked up Jaylee and Jennibelle, so that they could technically be a part of Black Friday. Every year, I do well sticking to our $1000 Christmas budget... until I shop for Jason. Grown men are NOT cheap to surprise! But, this year, it will be worth the credit card bill to see his reaction :) I am weird too... I love being frugal and getting great deals, I love to see how far I can push the budget and spoil the kids. Though Black Friday deals weren't fantastic, I was able to pick up special necklaces for the girls... I little heart inside of a bigger heart. I was a tad emotional when I gave them the necklaces... they will ALWAYS be in my heart, ALWAYS!! This screen shot is from Jaylee's Instagram page... sob...
Let's see...
*we decorated our tree a little before Thanksgiving and Jimmy put on the star this year, because a Jack is suddenly "afraid of heights". We attended Lititz's annual Christmas Carol and Tree Lighting. I remember our first year in Lititz- it felt like a Hallmark Movie. We did NOT attend the shenanigans in Lititz on Saturday morning, because Jennibelle was the only one that wanted to go. She was heartbroken that the boys were not ecstatic to go see Santa downtown. Literally, in tears. She is SO MUCH like me!!
*We decorated our house with our wreaths, and added a Christmas projector light - I hate it!!! $50 down the drain!! I bought it because I thought the kids would LOVE it, but the boys have yet to mention it!!! Oh well.
*We’ve spent every morning opening Advent calendars. The boys got a Lego calendar this year. (Public service announcement- save your moola.) Jennibelle has a Eric Carle calendar that she can use again and again. For Jaylee, I got a $10 pack of 30 earrings and wrapped up 24 of them. I put a date on each one for her to open.
*We decorated a reconstructed gingerbread house this year. I will never of back to assembling the ourselves!
*We have baked dozens of cookies, but we cheated this year. Sh... Costco had huge buckets of Nestle chocolate chip cookie dough for 1/2 price!! So we added M&Ms to them and called it a day. We baked delicious Betty Crocker Salted Caramel cookies too. Then we made only 3 batches of my Mom's Christmas Candy. Not enough for all of the neighbors (I figure I have a good excuse this year, lol) but enough for us and Selina.
*We have baked dozens of cookies, but we cheated this year. Sh... Costco had huge buckets of Nestle chocolate chip cookie dough for 1/2 price!! So we added M&Ms to them and called it a day. We baked delicious Betty Crocker Salted Caramel cookies too. Then we made only 3 batches of my Mom's Christmas Candy. Not enough for all of the neighbors (I figure I have a good excuse this year, lol) but enough for us and Selina.
*We had a nice cul de sac Christmas get together at Mary’s house, but we had to leave early for Jason's work party.
*Since my parents did not take all of the kids to NYC this year (Mom’s back is really bothering her), they took the whole family to see Beauty and the Beast at the Fulton Theater. It was wonderful. We were up in the Mezzanine, so Jackson’s fear of heights hit in for the first 1/2 hour and he would not move in his seat… literally terrified! The men couldn’t make it because of work. The show was great, but I’m not sure why they stretch them out to 2 1/2 hours. It’s just too long. I bought the girls matching elf seaters, that I truly thought were adorable, but they REFUSED to wear them, so I took them back. Morgan loved hers!
*AND, we did NYC!! We did NYC well! Mandy and Morgan had to bail on us, so I took my Dad, Jackson and my girls. We basically just walked around Times Square soaking in all of the sights. The girls loved taking photos and looking at makeup. I enjoyed watching Jackson... this teeny tiny boy in a city of millions. He was in awe Of the buildings, lights, traffic, pedestrians, and...
All of the places Buddy the Elf had visited in NYC!!!
He was awesome, truly enjoying himself. Oblivious to the fact that he cut pedestrians off, oblivious that people don't appreciate every pigeon being chased, oblivious that he should not have been running freely around he Square. To me, this was HIS day and I was not going to bahumbug him. We walked down to Macy's and waited an hour to see Santa- so worth it! As we were leaving him, Jack turned back and gave him a hug!!
(Meg dyed my hair purple with red for me since they'll be shaving my hair off soon... fun!)
(Meg dyed my hair purple with red for me since they'll be shaving my hair off soon... fun!)
We wrote on confetti that will be released on New years Eve!
"There are the doors Buddy went in, Mom!"
(1/2 the NYC buildings have circular doors, lol)
My little rebel.
I LOVE seeing my dad's smile :)
I have been doing OK emotionally. I read through Jaylee's texts, and apparently I have been short with her, which she assumes is because I'm afraid if having my head cut open. Whoops. I didn't realize I was taking it out with the kids. I've been trying very hard this week to be patient and less emotional in front of them. I worked 4 nights this week, which is never good because I have no self control at 3am and I search Google endlessly. I'm not even sure what it is that Im searching for. Last night I learned about how my head will be pinned in place for the surgery, and how I can't dye my hair for months afterwards. I learned I'll be on steroids for a while. As Jason is shedding weight with his all meat diet, I'll be packing it on, I guess. Want to hear something dumb?!? My surgery was originally scheduled for a Tuesday. I told the Dr that I was scheduled to work the following weekend, “should I find coverage?” He stared at me like I was joking! Apparently I'll be in bed recovering for 4-6 weeks!!! Wah!!
I've been having headaches constantly for 2 weeks now. I’m sure it’s stress, but the ache is real. My right temple/behind my eye. It is very sensitive to light too. It’s not “painful” just very annoying and I’ve needed Motrin a few times, though it really doesn’t do anything for it.
Today at church, I really wanted to ask someone up front to pray over me, but I'm very shy about opening up or asking things from people. I reluctantly left the sanctuary without asking. We exited close to the pastor and I wanted badly to introduce myself and ask him to pray over me. I chickened out, again. Then when we reached the lobby, pastor Tony stopped us from behind, saying that he felt the need to personally introduce himself to us. We told him our names "Stringham? I know that name, let me think... we've been praying for you! That's how I know that name." 2 years we've been going to LEFC and today, the day I so needed it most, God led the pastor right over to me. WOW is all I can say. WOW.
I can't wait until I can get some Christmas pix up here. I haven't even looked through the Nikon pix Jaylee took in NYC. She's super talented!
I'm tired... this is too many words and not enough pix!!
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