Fear

 So we were looking back at pictures of Jackson tonight and it kind of hit me...

having a sick kid is really quite terrifying!!!

You double guess everything...

You think that any change in personality is a "problem"...

You hear things...

like about a 3 year old hearing for the first time

and you feel grateful that he has heard my voice and my HORRIBLE singing all this time


and  you hear about a 4 month old going home for the first time after abd surgery
but will live (God-willing without any difficulty)...

and you think..

is he REALLY that sick...

but YES...

he IS that sick and

yes, he DOES need you to be paranoid

and YES he does need extra special care

and you realize...

my life is not like yours...

my kid is NOT like yours...

I AM NOT LIKE YOU!!!

I AM his eyes,

his ears,

his mouth,

 his voice,

 his changes,

 his spokesman,

 his survival...

I AM HIS MOM.

I did NOT ask for this,

I do NOT want this,

but this is what I am...

it is more than I thought I could be,

it is more than I wanted to be...

I am lucky enough to hold this position

and I am grateful...

God has led me through the past years to gain knowledge through my work,

to marry a man who speaks his mind

and to learn how to speak up...

I AM JACKSON's Mom

and I LOVE every  minute of it!!!