2nd Brain Surgery Scheduled

 I have not been blogging this time around, like I had last time... simply because when I read back through my old blogs, it is EXACTLY how I feel again. Pretty much to a "T". In October, I found out that the tumor had doubled in size and was pushing my brainstem off to the side... I knew they were gonna say it was time to come out. I wasn't very surprised by the new big measurements  (2.7cm x 1.4 x 2.7, volume 10.21cc) because I had been having these weird dizzy spells that I could not get rid of and that I could not recreate.  The tumor volume in Oct 2022 was 5.67. I was also getting drunk much easier and my close vision has been plummeting.  My other symptoms of headaches, ear ringing and speech issues have not increased.  However, I have now been diagnosed with Trigeminal Neuralgia... I was having right top and bottom jaw aching and right eye brow deep annoying aching intermittently for a few weeks. Luckily, the lowest dose of Gabapentin has stopped the aching. 

Luckily, Dr Gardner in Pittsburg said that it was "urgent, but not emergent" so I could wait until Christmas break. I wanted to enjoy to enjoy the holidays and have Jaylee around to help with the boys.  It is scheduled for Dec 30th. She is here until Jan 16th. Both of Jason's sisters are flying in for a week at a time also to live here and help out, I am so lucky that we are loved by so many people. Debbie also made a meal train for people to help with dinners so that frees everyone up every other night!  

SO... on top of this, we are FINALLY moving forward with Jackson's ureter surgery (That we've asked for for TWO years, but that's another blog all together).  The only date, before May, that both surgeons were available to do his surgery together was JANUARY 7th. So... I will not be able to help him with or after surgery. I am really having a heard time with this,  My Mama/nurse heart is so used to being the one to care for him and advocate for him,  I know him and what he needs, usually before he even does.  I'm struggling with just giving up control to God- 100%.  

The good news is that I am falling to sleep pretty well.  I do take a good amount of sleeping meds though. I usually wake up very early though, with anxious to-do thoughts running rampant through my mind. I mostly want to get everything on my stupid To-Do List done before I'm laid up for 8/12 weeks because - wait, why? It's unreasonable, I know.  It's just the way I am wired.  

The bad news is that I've been unconsciously pushing Jason away. he says I did this last time around too. I don't remember it, but he would remember that better that I would.  We've been doing couple's therapy weekly for the last month.  I think it helped.  Im honesty not TRYING to push him away.  I guess it's some sort of subconscious protection thing Im doing. I don't know... I am consciously trying to be better at NOT doing it.

Here's hoping that everything goes well and all of my fears are just that - fears.